beenieinphilly

When it rains, it pours.

I am so ready to be done with the school year, and done with Philadelphia.

We were supposed to find out on Friday if our school was going to be closed and taken over or not, but of course the district postponed telling us until March 26.

Friday was also one of the worst days I have had with my kids in a long time.  They were off the wall, but what made it really bad was that I had been sick since Tuesday. I went in to work anyway, after being congested, headachy, and throwing up, because I didn’t want to risk a sub not picking up and having to make the administration split my class up with other teachers (this happens quite often at my school since subs don’t like to pick up and the teachers at my school don’t like to come to work). It really reminded me how much my attitude and preparedness and sanity and health have to do with how things go in my classroom.

This weekend was a Penn weekend so I had class all Friday night, then came home and wrote a paper until 1 am. Then I had class on Saturday from 9-12, and then one of the first actually helpful TFA sessions I’ve had all year until 3:30.  Then dinner with a friend/colleague of my father’s, which meant that when I came home I was not in the mood to do anything productive. I watched the Wire–I’m catching up on Season 4.

Today, the whole day felt stressful and rushed because we lost an hour due to daylight savings.  I was stuck inside because it’s been raining like crazy all weekend. I spent most of the day cleaning, and fighting with my webcam and blackberry to try and make them work again. I finally got some work done and now am trying to write a paper.  I also have to do some tax stuff tonight–no excuses! And my bedtime deadline is in 40 minutes….jeez.

Out of town for the next 2 weekends for sad family stuff.  Spring break is soon, and then I dread the fact that in all of April, May, and June, we have one day off. HOW WILL I SURVIVE!?!??!?!?!?
Let me just repeat: I am SO READY TO BE DONE with this entire year and this whole Philadelphia corps thing.  Can I just move back to be with people who love me and care about me and find a school there?

Some of the other elementary teachers in my Methods class this weekend shared the news that they had heard from their principals that the Philly schools superintendent might solve the issue of the 5 snow days we have had so far by CANCELING OUR SPRING BREAK instead of tacking them on at the end of the year as it is normally done.  WOE IS ME if that happens.  Spring break coming in a month is like the only thing I have been looking forward to.  I’m really homesick, and I really need to go home and see my family.  And I do not think I can make it all the way until June without another break to divvy up these long weeks.  Honestly, I’d so much rather stay one more week in June than lose this break!  Please, if you pray, pray that this tyrant does not make this decision…

In other news, we still don’t know if our school will be closed.  If it is closed for turnaround, TFA might try to make me stay there…which I most likely will not want to do. Prepare yourselves for another epic battle of me vs. TFA…potentially coming soon!

Lastly, I saw Avatar this weekend and it was truly amazing.  I didn’t expect to like it and didn’t want to go, but my friend convinced me and I am so glad I did. Wow! What a ripe portrayal of the issues of colonialism.  Amazing.  I can’t wait to talk about it with people.  If you need to teach about colonialism, definitely make your kids watch and analyze it.

Off to grade and try to start the online report cards.  Grades are due in about 2 weeks and I am so behind. And my kids are not making as much growth on this round of DRAs as I had hoped they would.  What am I doing wrong?

Today is a SNOW DAY! No work!  This is the second one of the year!  Although it is a shame that this will extend our school year, I don’t care.  I’d rather have the break now instead of delaying gratification.  Especially because last night I started to feel like I was coming down with a cold, and indeed I did.  Not fun–my throat is sore and I am all full of lovely mucus.  However, I am so thankful for the day off!  Yesterday afternoon when I was sitting and freaking out about how much grading and Penn homework I still had to do, we got the email, and I screamed with joy and went shopping!  I had lots of gifts to buy for a certain someone’s birthday/Valentine’s day, and I have also been seriously itching to go shopping for myself. Then, instead of going to a Superbowl party, I stayed in again (I’m really becoming a homebody) because I didn’t feel like dealing with parking and I was starting to feel sick.  It would have been fun to go out and celebrate with a bunch of other teachers, but I got to watch some movies and lots of What Not to Wear.

The plan for today is:

1. Shower

2. Rite Aid to get some cold medicine

3. Coffee shop to do Penn reading and start my papers

4. Grading!

5. TV, Nyquil, and sleep to see if I can knock this cold out!

I have a feeling this will be a glorious week, and even though I’m sick I will not let that ruin it!  No school today, a half day on Wednesday, getting my nails done on Thursday, and going to Boston on Friday for the 3-day Valentine’s Day weekend.  I am going to get to see so many friends and loved ones, and I’m really happy about that.  And this means that February is halfway over…so spring break is getting closer! =)

Think it out!  What sounds? D-u-m-p-s.  I have been just completely down in the dumps lately. Sad, angry, depressed.  Thank G_d my kids make me laugh a lot, because otherwise I am just not a happy person.

I just feel like my whole future is uncertain.  I probably will have to get a new job next year at another school and start all over again.  I’m not guaranteed a job in 1st grade anymore.  I love 1st grade, and I don’t want to switch and have to re-learn a whole new curriculum and buy stuff for a whole new grade level.  My school might close.  They (an outside team of evaluators from Schoolworks, a Boston-area company) are coming on Monday and Tuesday to do an audit of our school.  I have to have a focus group with them, and I’m really going to let them have a piece of my mind.  Professionally, of course.

I think I was counting on at least having job security next year and having a much better teaching year.  This year has really shaped up and I’m happier and happier with teaching, and feeling like I’m getting better each day.  In turn, my students are getting better each day.  Now, I don’t have job security and I don’t have any certain housing, and I don’t have any certain social life.  And I feel like this is making me worried about what will happen after next year.  Where will I go?  What will I do?

The only positive thing I had going was that I just started to do my second round of DRA testing (for those of you non-teachers, it’s the Developmental Reading Assessment which most teachers use to determine reading levels and growth in students) and I am really hoping to see a lot of progress. I had a great feeling about it until today, when I tested one of my absolute lowest students.  Personally, I think she has a learning disability and needs some learning support which I can’t really provide her, but despite the fact that I know it’s not her fault, she really frustrates me.  I feel like nothing I do works and she just cannot retain anything.  Needless to say, she did miserably when I tried to test her on a mid/end of kindergarten level book.  This means that she is about 1 1/2 years behind grade level in reading.  Great!

Here’s to hoping that the remainder of my class jumps at least one reading level!

It is almost February.  I cannot tell you how much I want February to pass quickly.  Once February is done, that means I just have to get through a few weeks in March, and then Spring Break, and then just April and May.  And then, June should be a breeze.  I can do it!

The past few weeks have gone relatively quickly but a lot of negative things have happened that have put my future into a sort of unknown haze–more than it already was.

First, the school district announced their list of “Renaissance Schools.”  Basically, these are schools that are extra crappy, of which they will choose 7-12 to close down and reopen.  The Renaissance schools will be run either by a charter school group, some group from the district, or an outside educational organization.  Everyone who works in the school this year will have to reapply for their job, and between 0 and 50 % will be rehired.  This means no one could be rehired, but definitely not more than half.  Guess whose school was on the list of 14?  MINE!  Of course.  After all, we’ve been in Corrective Action II (some No Child Left Behind Lingo for you) for 7 years, I heard.  Still, it came as a really hard blow to everyone.  My principal, who is new, has done so much already this year to try and turn the school around and I really do see changes, and especially when I compare it to the horror stories I have heard about how it used to be.  That said, it is still really struggling.

Anyway, the worst thing about this is that it means that next year, I will most likely be at another school.  This means going through all the BS I had to go through this year again.  This could mean, again, not getting placed until a week before school starts.  Because I’m still a new teacher with only a year under her belt, I will be picking my new school from the bottom of the barrel.  It also means starting over with a new faculty, a new building, new students, potentially new curriculum, a new grade level, and all that.  I cannot even express how much I DO NOT want to have to do that.  I know there is the potential for the new school to be a better environment, but I am finally getting a handle on my own school, and really am looking forward to having an idea of who my kids will be next year.  I also know the building, know what works in my classroom, etc.  I am PRAYING that they give us one more year to clean up, because that’s all I need.  After that year, I will most likely be outta here and move somewhere else, because I can’t handle the Philadelphia School District anymore.  They make the most inane decisions, including this one.  Get this: they are choosing which schools will be closed down and taken over BEFORE the results of the state standardized tests this year come out. So basically they are not even giving these schools a chance, even though many (like mine) have new leadership and new supports this year to try and turn themselves around.
Besides this lovely piece of news, I had another lovely piece of news from my roommate and one of my few friends here, that she is leaving next year.  Great.  So now I will have approximately 2 friends, and may have to move out of my apartment.  I love my apartment.  I love everything about it (except the mouse droppings that I recently began to find) and mostly HATE the pain of moving and finding another apartment.  I also feel sort of deserted, and sad that I am losing a friend. It reminds me of how temporary my life here often feels, and how lacking my social life will become (more so than it already is).  I hate being so negative, but this really was not a bomb I was happy to have drop even though I sort of knew it was coming.

Since I have been feeling so crappy, it’s a good thing that my first graders have been doing an excellent job and saying the funniest things that really crack me up.  I must say that one of the good things that has been keeping me up through all this bs is my classroom community.  I am really proud of what we (I?) have done to build a strong community, and I really am sensing how important that is to my kids.  Every day now I get at least one “I love you, Ms. S-T!” or “You are the best teacher!” from one of my students. I cannot tell you how much this means to me.  I feel like they all know that our classroom is our home within the school, and there is really a sense of community in it.  We are at the point where we laugh together, tell jokes together, clean up the room without being asked, take care of each other (mostly, except when we hit each other or call each other stupid…), and overall have a good time. Here are some goodies from the mouths of babes:

(While sitting on the carpet during Reading Mastery, our scripted reading intervention program)

F, to me: Your eyes are green…..Are you 16?

Me: My eyes are green.

F: So are you 16?

Me, confused as to how these connect: No, I’m older than that.

F: Are you 17? 18? 19? 20?

Me: No, no, no, no, I’m older than that.

F: WHAT? Are you 100?

Me: No, not that old!

T: Are you 22?

Me: Yes, good guess!

Chorus of 1st graders: Whooo, that’s old!

(As I’m counting down from 10 to see which team can sit in ready position in their seats the fastest and get a point)

J: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Blastoff!

(As I’m sitting with a guided reading group, closing out our session)

F, comes up and sneakily walks past our table, rapping: Ms. S-T, Ms. S-T is a genius!

These are just a few tidbits that made me laugh.  They are, of course, funnier when coming out of the mouth of an adorable 6-year-old.

Today, my kids were AWFUL.  Great.  I guess they just tricked me last week, with their amazing behavior.  Today was royally crappy (although still quite good compared to the first month and a half of teaching–nothing can top that!).  They were chatty, mean to each other, my one student who I finally took off a behavior chart since she cut the violence out started hitting again, my other behavior problem who has done a total turn-around in the past few weeks (he’s my most difficult but also my favorite–my mom knows who I’m talking about) was also not doing well today (he got it together by the end of the day), and there was a 20 minute frenzy because M saw a mouse run across the room during Writer’s Workshop.  Fabulous.  They all freaked out and then declared that each of them could kill it because they weren’t scared!  Overall, we wasted a lot of learning time today and I wanted to really tear my hair out.  They spoiled me with their good behavior last week!  This is how it goes with teaching–you have incredible weeks with intense learning and great focus, and then you go back to the crazy 6-year olds who can’t focus on a thing or tell their head from their bottom.  Oh well.

In other news, we are FINALLY going to be done with our friendly letter writing unit this week.  Praise the Lord! I am so sick of it, and so are they, but we lost so much time from the wash that was the month of December that it has taken us forever.  Ugh.  Moving on!

The first week was actually kind of good!  Since I have spent the past 2 hours I’ve been awake looking for my dance class card (which I paid $144 for and now believe is lost), cleaning the kitchen and downstairs, and eating breakfast, instead of starting my work, I need to make this a quick post.  My to-do list for today is extensive!  So many papers to grade, shapes to cut out to improve my Calendar Math, CSAP to do, parent calls to make, errands to run, and Penn homework to do. Oh, Sundays.

Bad Things:

1. Now not only is my classroom infested with mice, but apparently we have some in our apartment.  Great.  What is up with Philly and the mice?  They have a serious vermin problem.

2. I am SO SORE from taking dance yesterday that I literally cannot stand up or sit down without clinging to something and groaning.  Wow.  That’s what happens when you are out of shape.  However, this is also a good thing!

3. The stress of being back in teaching every day is really starting to hit me again.  I find myself longing for the break, longing for college, longing for being with my family, friends, and boyfriend again, and longing basically for summer vacation.  And it’s only January…oh boy!

4. Finances.  Bills.  Being an adult.

5. Penn classes starting again means back to tons of reading and papers, which is really really hard to balance on top of all the school work I do.

Good Things:

1. My kids were really good this week!  I expected chaos, since I have heard that the first week back from break is like the first week of school.  However, my kids were amazing.  They remembered all our routines, procedures, and rules.  I was composed, prepared, and ready.  I wasn’t stressed out.  I’ve been working just as hard, but working smarter and using my lunch/preps better so I can get stuff done.  They were great!  And, clearly they missed me and I really did miss them, as hard as it was to go back to work.

2. Some of my kids have been calling me Mommy. I guess this is not really a good thing, because I’m not and never will be their mommy, but it tells me that they really love me and think of me as someone they can depend on, who cares for them, loves them, and will support them and help them.  This makes me feel good!  Because all those things are true!

3. One of my students, K, is AMAZING.  I truly love this girl.  She is SO SMART, so cute, so sweet, so creative, and I can tell she is just one of those who has lightbulbs going off in her head all the time.  She is making HUGE progress, in math and reading, and I recently moved her up to the highest reading group.  Unfortunately, this group is my only on-grade-level reading group (yes, my kids are that behind academically).  But, I think that she is one of my stars who I can see excelling and being amazing powerful woman one day.

4. We had another district walk-through on Friday.  On Thursday, the AP came to my room and did a “quick informal observation.” She said my room looked great and the students looked great–they were doing center time while I did a small guided reading group, and they were totally quiet, focused, and on task!  She said she would bring people the next day.  Indeed, a group including my principal and the superintendent of our region within the district came.  They came at a really good time (albeit one minute after I had just slightly yelled at someone to sit on their bottom criss-cross-applesauce on the carpet instead of rolling around on their head) when we were doing our morning calendar routine and starting our literacy block, also another routine which involves singing a silly song and blending words.  They kids LOVE singing those songs and blending/segmenting words, so they were all really focused and having a great time, listening, and paying attention.  In general, I feel really confident with my literacy block, so I was happy they came in at that time.  Anyway, I got great feedback!  The Special Ed liaison at our school later told me that the visitors loved how organized and neat my room was, how everything had a place and was accessible to the students.  Good! I sure spent a hell of a lot of time on my room, organizing and planning it to be a good environment for my kids!  Then I emailed the instructional specialist at my school, and asked her what feedback they had given from the walkthrough.  Here’s what she said the superintendent said:
“Mr. ________, himself, spoke positively of your class (by name) in terms of student engagement and organization of the lesson.  You did a fantastic job.  But, of course, you always do!  You work very hard, care greatly, accept feedback and are extremely creative.  I wish every mew teacher I worked with could have your sense of purpose, high expectations and loving attitude.”

I seriously did not expect this!  I know how hard I work, but until this week I have not at all felt like it was making any difference whatsoever.  My kids have been growing and making small progress, but I still left work each day feeling like overall I hadn’t seen any results of all my hard work.  Hearing stuff like this makes me really proud of myself, and gives me a lot of satisfaction for how many hours and hours and literally blood, sweat, and tears I put into this job and into my kids.  It makes how crazy they can drive me sometimes worth it, because at least this hideous excuse for a district gives me some sort of appreciation.  Definitely a good thing!

Now, off to do work!

Winter break was amazing.  And now, it’s back to the grind.  I go back to work tomorrow and I hate to admit it, but I am really depressed and not looking forward to it at all.  I actually have been crying most of the afternoon about it, which surprises me! I did not expect to feel this way, but it’s just feeling like a really hard transition back.

I went home for the first part of break for about a week.  It was so wonderful to be at home with my parents and do NOTHING–at least for a few days.  Then I did my planning and spent a lot of time reflecting and looking into different teaching sites on the web, including an amazing site that I was introduced to in college and now use for more practical matters such as my own teaching instead of for helping me write papers about education.  It’s a site where teachers can post little sites of their own classrooms and teaching practices.  It’s sort of like a little peek into their room and how they do things, and it’s really great.  It’s real teaching.  I was specially interested in two of the sites which are from Philadelphia teachers who also do 1st grade.  One of them actually teaches 2nd year TFAers at Penn, so I’m praying she still does it when my time comes around next year!  She is amazing.  Here’s the link if you’re interested:

http://gallery.carnegiefoundation.org/insideteaching/

Anyway, I felt like I was productive at home but that I also was able to de-stress, veg out, and relax.  I gave myself an entire 4 days to do NO WORK-RELATED STUFF!  It was bliss.  I also ate wonderful food courtesy of my parents, saw some great family friends as well as old friends from high school and college, and did a wee bit of after Christmas sale shopping (not enough, but I’m trying to be frugal).   I tried to get most of my work done so that I could have a blast when I went to Boston to see the sig. other and college friends.  Boston was amazing–it was great to see so many people from college and to spend time with special people.  It also made me realize how much I secretly love Boston and the area!  I wouldn’t mind living there…New Year’s was fun although not at all what I had planned or expected, but we stayed in an amazing hotel in Copley Square that was pricey but worth it.

The drive back today was fine–I made good time! I did it in 5 hours, which sure beat the heck out of the nearly 8 hours it took me to get there on New Year’s Eve day, due to insane weather.  The weather today was rough for the first part of the trip until NYC but calmed down after that, and even when it was bad I was still able to go pretty fast.

It all went downhill when I got back to my apartment and realized that winter break was officially over, and I had to go back to reality.  I had to get the rest of my work done, get ready for tomorrow, and most of all mentally prepare myself for no significant break until the end of March, when I have my 1 week spring break.  And leaving behind my boyfriend was also much harder than I expected.  For some reason I feel like I have just been coaxing and pushing myself to get to winter break, telling myself that I just had to make it to winter break.  Well, I did. And now it’s over.  And it sucks because now I have 6 MORE MONTHS until the end of the school year, with only one real break stuck in there.  January and February only have 1 day off each and a few half days, and March/April have that one week break, and May has 1 day off.  Then it’s 3 1/2 weeks in June.  It seems short when I say it that way, but when I actually think about what that means, I want to curl up in the corner.

I don’t get why I feel this way.  I love kids, I love my kids, and I love teaching.  I am passionate about what I do.  But there is something about this school district and my school that stresses me out and disgusts and angers me beyond measure, and makes me dread going to work.  I have to figure out a way to balance myself so that I don’t fall back into how I was at the beginning of the school year, dreading the daily grind.

Oh well.  I’m just going to push myself to get to spring break.  Off to finish my work for the night and get some rest.
Not only is my classroom infested with mice, but my roommate and I found mouse turds by the back door where we store extra food on these shelves.  Great.  What is with Philly and these mice!?!??!  They are everywhere!!!!  DISGUSTING.

Early this Saturday morning, the snow that the entire city of Philadelphia had been anticipating came down and it definitely came down hard.  I didn’t believe one of the teachers at my school when she said the city literally shut down from a few inches, but she was right! And we actually got almost 2 feet of snow.  All my grad classes on Saturday were canceled, along with my TFA professional development.  It was fabulous!  I had stayed up late this past week finishing all the final papers that were due in my classes, and it was just so nice to be able to sleep in after being up until 1 am Friday night finishing a paper.  And I literally did NOTHING all Saturday.  I slept, lounged around, and cleaned the apartment as the snowflakes kept on coming down and down.  Then, Sunday, my prayers for a snow day were answered!  As a Chicago girl born and bred, I find it really funny that they gave a snow day for this.  Two feet is a decent amount of snow, but we would NEVER have a snow day in Chicago for that!  It’s really funny.  I think I might like living here during the winter….Also, random fact: apparently this is the second craziest snowstorm that Philadelphia has ever had since like the 1800s when they started keeping records.  In any case, we had a snow day today!  So I did not have to go back to work, which was so amazing.  I am wondering if they will give another one tomorrow, which would mean that I would only have to work one day this week before winter break starts on Thursday, but I tend to doubt it.  However, the roads are still SO bad out there!  I drove to the post office today and it was ridiculous.  They apparently don’t believe in plowing here, especially on the side streets of South Philly.  Ridiculous.  I bet the neighborhood around my school is even worse, because if it’s anything like Chicago, the government really doesn’t give a damn about the streets poor people live on.  Amazing how a blizzard can remind you of how F-ed up the system is.  ‘

In any case, I had lots of adventures this weekend.  I shoveled out my car for the first time (since it’s my first car) with the help of a neighbor who I thought was being neighborly but was actually out and about on a Sunday morning post-blizzard to HUSTLE!  But hey, he helped me get my car dug out in likek 15 minutes so I didn’t mind giving him some money.  I got the last shovel at the hardware store.  I wrote 2 papers.  I did 2 days worth of BS lesson plans for the next two days of school, and I am SO HEAVILY anticipating the break that all I am yearning to pack my suitcase to go home.  My roomies and friends and I took a cab out to deep north Philly last night to hang out with some other TFA folks and let’s just say it was an interesting adventure…And now, I am sitting on my bed coaxing myself into reading through my lessons for tomorrow instead of just lounging.

Something that is sort of stressing me out (which is hard to do right now because I am really in such a good mood because of going home and break and seeing my loves in Boston!) is that I feel really behind with my kids.  I had my first “co-investigation cycle” with my TFA program director in mid-December, after she observed me.  My data right now for math SUCKS.  My kids are at like 53 % mastery which is really horrendous.  I have to get them to like 65% by the next unit test.  And I was supposed to be giving the next unit test the week we get back from break.  Not only is that unrealistic (thank you School District of Philadelphia for your continued brilliance) because that week will require a LOT of review and reminders of how we act in school for my little 6 year olds, but it’s also made harder by the fact that I was out for 2 sick days because I was dying last week, and now with this snow day and 2 basically wasted instruction days this week….you get the picture.  I’m just worried that I’m not going to meet my big goals, or more importantly, that most of my students are not learning and achieving at high levels.  It’s hard because they already came to me so behind.  How do I close that gap with no time?  So much of my school day and instructional time is taken by stupid district-mandated programs that SUCK.  It’s just not a good feeling to consider how low their scores still are.  Even though I’ve seen an incredible amount of progress and growth and real learning from my students in those small incremental moments, when I look at the overall data or their overall grades, it’s hard to remember that.

On a more positive note, 2 MORE DAYS UNTIL WINTER BREAK,  3 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO GO TO CHICAGO, AND 9 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO SEE MY BOSTON LOVES!  I am so excited.  And hey….I made it to winter break!

I have been sick since the week before Thanksgiving.  That’s almost a month.  Furthermore, this is my third time being sick this year.  I have been holding out from taking the day off but finally this afternoon I gave in and told them that I needed to take a sick day.  So tomorrow I’m not going to work.  I feel AWFUL–both because I’ve been feverish and snot-filled for weeks now, but also because I feel really guilty for taking this sick day.  I don’t know why…I’m just really worried about what will happen with my kids.  Subs do not like to pick up for our school (bad rep) and SO many teachers are out every day (today 9 were out.  That’s what happens when teachers don’t like their school and don’t do their job.).  So today, for example, I purposely did not take a sick day even though I woke up this morning feeling like HELL because I knew that my grade partner was “feeling sick” (ok….after already having taken off at least 5 days so far this year) and I didn’t want to put the principal’s assistant in that position of scrambling to find a cover for my kids too.  As it was, no sub picked up and I had to take some of her kids all day today.  It was a HORRIBLE day.  So I’m really worried that some other teachers will have to take some of my kids if a sub doesn’t pick up, or if a sub does pick up, what will happen with them.

My boyfriend says don’t worry, just take care of myself and don’t feel bad for taking my first ever sick day when I am actually really sick…I guess he’s right.

Off to take some Nyquil and go to sleep for 12 hours.  I hope I can kick this.